I'm Not Okay, But I'm Okay With It

I did say I don't want to write if I am to write a downer post but lets be real, I write best when I'm drifting on the gloomy side (if I ever write)

Writing is my main way to sort out my thoughts (other than talking to myself out loud. It's not a weird thing, even Steve does it!). I just don't seem that able to talk bout what's bugging me because usually I can't even pin-point what it is that bugs me so Writing's good for me to figure things out before I go run around asking for opinion (either that or I'm such an emotional mess I'd rather spare people from having to deal with me. Takes really special people to do that)

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay for me to write downer things, that's pretty much me, how I work

It did took me awhile but I finally admit that I had been going through meltdowns and breakdowns these couple of months over things that are out of my control, out of things that are not even my problem. Having to get a scope on the issues, balancing myself on tightropes just so I get it right. At times I do good, at times, I fall

Through it all, I do feel a failure

But people kept telling me that I've done the best I could in my current condition

Yet I kept myself in that rut because I believed that I've failed. It hurts

I'm probably an over-empathetic person; I feel too clearly of others pain that it became mine. I couldn't feel okay anymore when I hear certain stories. Being in a society where victims are buried into silence and lone agony whilst perpetrators are held up, protected, who could be okay?

I remember being a part of it but there were times where I felt uncomfortable, that what's happening, the general reactions were not right

When that switch flipped, it felt like my head was in a long spin cycle. I couldn't comprehend, I couldn't understand how society been okay with everything despite them all running against the core of humanity. That lack of kindness, it's frightening

I wish I never understand why is it so hard to speak up when one is harmed or violated, physically, verbally, mentally or even emotionally. I wish we don't have to even wonder why

Society is messed up

I'm not okay with it

And I'm okay with that

This is crazy but I really wanna go crazy one a bunch of writing projects focusing on everything that has been bugging me. I don't know if I should say it's to purge it from my system because  I don't see how's that possible... We'll see...