To Fly Or Not To Fly

Well, while my friends had to undergo the gruelling orientation session, here I am, at home, pretty much lazying away (I heard time daftar Mr. prez ade skali... macho la korang kene tahan dengar die bagi speech~ =D)

Funny though I got these people saying
the decision to not continue maybe wrong because of:

a) Medik kot!
b) MARA tanggung kot!

-_-;

Jawab aku senang je:

Yang kene pulon bagai nak mati 4.5 taun kat sane aku,
bukan kau!

It should be a good decision. I mean, it took me 3 years to decide (no eff, I'm not kidding!) OK~ lemme go through the grand saga of To Fly Or Not To Fly:


OK... I stepped into the "campus" which pretty much look like someone got confused in the paint store a~and~~ I hate it. Every bit of it. In fact I still remember in the orientation week (and even extending to the next week if I'm not mistaken) everytime we get back there's always SOMETHING that we'll voice out our dissatisfaction. It was a norm back then. But yeah, normal humans are best at adapting to shit so as time goes by, shit comes and we just do our best.

But that doesn't stop me from plotting my way out of it from the first moment I stepped into it. At that time its not really about want or don't want to continue, it was me, rebelling the whole thing whitout a single clue. And it is pretty depressing, especially when my 2nd sem performance dropped.


Along came 3rd sem and this lecturer step into the picture, a fresh Masters grad and at the same age as my sis. My sis at that time have a degree and 1 or 2 years of working experience. This dude got Masters already (8 tempting~ So I try to dig out about this Masters stuff from him and he dropped the bomb that he's to continue his PhD very soon. That's when my brain started calculating... a PhD, Dr. tag, not even 30 years old. THAT is cool!

So I pestered my mentor at that time for a one-on-one meeting one morning, asking ALL the options in as detailed as possible after I I've finished my degree. She talked, I drew a chart which I pretty much carry around with me everywhere in my folder until tragically, I lost that folder (AND EVERYTHING IN IT~!!!! *brawls* T_T) Working, she explained to me what can we do (most grads work for insurance companies, something to do with claims... Boring~!) and the studying options. I even asked about research project at that time (yeah... I pretty much didn't live in "now" at that time... was busy looking at my future) And~ she did mentioned the first batch that did this 3+3 stuff is hers and she gave the low-downs on how its been. If my memory is not badly trashed by Aoi sexy moves on stage, I'd say it was bad.


So I was happy, I still got options! I still remembered what they say the first day when we registered. We can do 3 year Biomed and after that, we can opt out or not so, cool! I still got options! Yay~! And I got over the rebelling phase and try to grasp and enjoy whatever class brings. I'm glad that the lecturers are mostly cool and down to earth. So I was pretty cool with stuffs at that time... which got me thinking, maybe continuing medic is not so bad. I mean, its 3 years only, 1 year extra compared to most of my friends doing medic.


Hmm... This where it gets tangled up. This is when I overheard somesort of non-paying issue... THEN they say Andalas cannot~ big doubleMC says Indon medic cannot~ but got 3 other options~ BANGALORE, Poland and South Africa (guess which one they over-emphasize) I mentioned South Africa to Abah he said NO (safety issues) Poland... well, an issue cropped up which apparently was so hard to be spelled out right by that big yet short of a guy (Dude, we just covered Malaysian Studies! We already learnt how to look at political issues! *headdesk* I felt insulted, like he took me as a kid, hence the bad pet naming! ) So we're stuck, Bangalore, 4.5 years by the demand of big doubleMC :|

Owh, this where it gets pretty... This is when they start telling us that if we go to Poland, not much bodies to go over, less pocket money, bla3~ where as Bangalore, four seasons minus the snow, easy to find food, plenty bodies (sheesh, do they even remember they're actually humans that had died and unclaimed and is to be used "for the betterment of people" God, respect them at least!) and big moola pocket money (bak kate org Petronas: Hey! tu duit starting aku! -_-; & ramai piki orang minyak kaye. Pandai2 bajet duit, tu je)

Time tuh terpikir 1 je:

YAY!
Ade duit tuk pi Kagrra, 10th Anniversary Concert next June!

8D

...pada yang blur, time tu aku nampak duit je, bab2 tempoh and blaja die tak nampak. Obviously wrong tujuan and with wrong tujuan comes the chances of failing. Pastuh ade sorang doc yang sangat cool lagi down to earth lagi baik hati tanye kami2 nak specialize in what. Sampai kat aku terus sejujur kate aku cakap aku tak tau pasal initially aku takmo pon buat nih... and die bukak citer pasal member die yang sampai sekarang still mencube segale penkhususan dalam bidang medik tatkala doc yang kat depan aku nih surgeon berMasters dalam Epidemiology... Pastuh die bagi pandangan maut ...bukan yang mengancam yang kalau bagi kat budak2 perempuan lain tak tidur malam terngiang-ngiang tapi yang buat aku rase sakit hati pasal ape die kate betol and maybe tu la aku kalau aku tak jage2.


Pastuh kitorang pi wat attachment kat 1 tempat di mana case die... kalo tak COPD, TB... tak pun chronic asthma, tak pun lung cancer (pape je la kaitan dengan respiratory system) Datang mengejut tapi tetap diterima. Sangat baik datin tuh walaupun bile bab2 soal2 kitorang agak scary (thanks for the future diagnosis @_@; hwaa~~~) So dalam 8 hari kami di pusing2kan 8 tempat. Dok OPD macam batu. Takmo kacau sangat doc pasal patients berlambak kat luar tuh & diorang ade 3 je kot (and sorang tuh sangat cranky) Masuk pharmacy, ingat diorang ade laa stok ponstant tapi tak nampak so tak boleh amik. wahahaha~ bahagian sosial, tak abis2 tengok camne nak wat tuberculin test (macam nak je prick diri sendiri time tuh =D ) Masuk lab sangat BEST! Macam budak2 masuk kedai gule2! Nasib baik aku tak angkut mane2 culture positif sebagai tanda kenang-kenangan. Masuk diagnostic department, membuatkan aku bertambah benci dengan perokok2 sekalian. Kalau ko yang mati/sakit, aku tak kesah. Ni orang "tersayang" korang yang tanggung akibat apahal?! (Nanti2 la aku citer) Tapi serius la, kalau ade orang yang smoking die cakap die sayang kat orang lain tapi boleh smoke depan orang tuh memang... *tahan sumpah seranah* DAN~ Wards! ade 4 sumenyer. Kat situ la tengok keliling, sendiri tertanye diri "agak aku boleh ke adapt to this kinda situation?" ni baru tempat yang dah ade specialization. Cube kalau general hospital, segale kes masuk, segale orang masuk, segale perangai ade... Handle class pon macam kalau boleh aku salai diorang2 dah memang tersalai mereke pada waktu2 tertentu... Tu patients. Karang ade diorang nyer family ke apa2 yang ntah pape (nampak sangat aku ade masalah tak suke orang kan? :P) Certain tuh memang kesian tapi kalau kes COPD tu memang cari nahas sendiri la kan... So, kalau diorang tak nak ubah, agak kite boleh nak ubah die bagi baik?

Piki2kan macam2 aku piki time tu. Tapi tu la, mainly aku tanye diri aku "is this the life I want?" lagi2 bile nampak salah seorang doc kegemaran ramai usung suit case masuk ofis pasal hari tu die on call (dahsat preperation die...)


Time tu terpiki balik option Masters tuh. Abah pon cakap, Kalau sambung Masters pastuh terus PhD pun lebih kurang 4.5 taun gak, doc gak, siap ade PhD lagi. Sambung medik kire lepas 4.5 taun doc dengan double degree. Macam tak gune je the first degree tuh. Tapi Ms haritu ade sebut, the first degree tuh is more of our mental preparation, so bile kitorang wat medik tuh kitorang dah matang (matang la sangat *headdesk*)


Habis belajar lalala~ enjoy giler. Tapi still unsure, nak sambung medik ke tak... Pastuh time tu laa terdengar desas-sedud bahawasanya jikalau kami yang layak tidak meneruskan pembelajaran ke tahap medik kami dikehendaki membayar balik kos tuk BBM PENUH, takde reduction O_O; OWH WTH?! Nak semput the last run, belajar macam hape tuk score tibe2 tak bleh reduce WTH?!!!


Tah la. Macam piki secare logik, macam tak logik. Time daftar beriye sungguh kate sambung tu optional. Time tuh logik diambil alih ketamakkan: Sambung je medik... done tuh, sambung Masters pastuh tros PhD. Double doc! 8D (giler memang giler... saje cari alasan takmo kawen) Piki balik, larat ke? Logik dah check-in balik (sib baik!) So, final decision of the moment: get the best councellor and supporter: GOD

Wat la sembahyang Istikharah, minta betul ke buat medik baik ke ade bende lain lagi baik. Top up dengan sembahyang hajat. Bile start buat tak ingat la tapi agak la tak constant. Just bile ade rase nak buat, buat la (sengal) Then one day in the last week of Ramadhan time sembahyang terawikh kat masjid tak tau pahal otak merewang-rewang, nak melayang-layang, budak2 nangis, bising macam hape (rasenye mak diorang dah give up nak senyapkan diorang) orang kat depan macam hoyong-hayang ke depan ke belakang macam bakal tombang bile2 mase, tibe2 rase panik semacam terlintas:

Ya Allah, aku tak nak fly...

D8

Giler rase semacam. Gubra ade, panik semestinye, mau menjerit pun ade... Ni ke jawapan yang aku cari? Biase orang sembahyang istikharah biase orang dok sebut pasal mimpi2. Tak penah2 la pulak aku mimpi ape2 significant. Tapi namenye pun time tu dalam masjid... Betul la kot. Tah, macam time2 piki tuk sambung medik tak habis2 isu duit melayang-layang dalam kepale tapi lepas tuh dah tak kesah duit dah. Alhamdulillah... Agaknye betul la, time2 belajar dapat duit besar2 bile dah takde duit macam tak reti nak bajet balik and accept bahawasanya diri itu tidak beruwang :| Nampak sangat tak sihat pegang duit besar2 before keje. Ye la, duit datang takde usaha banyak sangat (ehem2 mintak topik atau lagi best, soalan spot, pastuh focus kat situ je... sounds familiar /:P ) kadang2 lupe gak duit tu bukan sebarang duit and bukan fully sendiri punye and ade chance at the end of it kene bagi balik the whole lot (brape puluh k tuh!) Alhamdulillah lagi, ade kesedaran lain timbul (tapi still nak Shiki T_T)


Time tu macam tak sure nak buat ape. Ade je sebut kat Ms and die ade la bagi cadangan tertentu tapi gaye die macam tak makan I really meant it. pastuh... Namenye pun nak raye, busy laa bende2 lain. Ade sebut dengan orang2 tertentu ade gak la. Tapi tak sure la sape. Time raye macam nak patah2 je mereke2 yang dok sebut2 aku bakal sambung medik kat India. It's mostly on the term nanti ade yang macam sangat mengharap aku buat tibe2 tak buat akan rase kecewe which in turn akan buat aku rase bersalah, lagi2 mereke yang tersayang and aku takut bile orang cakap2 dalam kepale timbul lagi second thoughts. Sib baik takde.


Balik, ikut arahan, cube contact orang MARA yang patut dicontact... tak bukak until next week ofis diorang (ke maybe operator salah sambung, tu assumption orang bahagian tu la :P) Aiseh~ Time weekend terungkit depan Mak. Giler marah die rupe2nye die agak blur pasal bende nih dan tak tau daftar Selase depannye. Time tu macam tak tau macam mane nak cakap. Sib baik Mak cik ade, cool sikit. Sok kat rumah still kene bebel, time tu la timbul balik contract yang rupe2nye Mak yang simpan (bukan akak tak reti simpan, dah akak cari tak jumpe. Last handle Abah :| ) And~ Mak scrutinize contract dengan surat tawaran, Isnin pi MARA.

Apparently 9am either line2 mereke sangat buzy ataupun diorang tak bukak line lagi, sume call tak berangkat so pi redah je. Awal2 sambutan agak hostile tapi agak paham la, tengah musim orang2 nak fly, busy la mereke2. Orang yang berkenaan tak masuk ofis la pulak so dapat laa assistant die yang awalnye pun hostile tapi kejap lepas tuh jadi baik. Mak cakap takmo sambung pasal surat aritu kate pi Andalas, sambung lagi 3 taun tapi sekarang nak hantar Bangalore, sambung lagi 4.5 taun. So die pon cek la status aku. Apparently, Skim Pelajar Cayalah nih, caya sket. Die check status aku dah End of Award = dah abis blaja & dah abis dapat duit. So tak payah aku nak terminate contract pasal dah habis pun, kire rejek tawaran je la. Makanya pasal nak ade black & white, die bagi la paper pastuh aku yang bendul kene wat formal letter. Sebijik2 perkataan Mak bagi, aku tulis (hudus sungguh tulisan XD) Die siap mention lagi kalau nak sambung blaja pasnih bleh apply tapi skim lain ah, tak caya sangat la. Tapi still bleh apply. Alhamdulillah! And bab2 bayar balik, department depan pintu yang tengah lunch break punye bidang rupenyer ....ZZzzzz.... lunch break habis, tahan random abang tanye pasal bayar balik & nak mintak reduction camne. Asal ade borang die, certified copy of transcript & scroll, tunggu setaun lagi bile diorang dah kuarkan bayar balik nyer plan. Yay!


Dengan itu aku membalas sms Barb yg tanye aku muncol tak soknyer yang pada mulanya aku balas "x brani nak cakap lagi", bagitau konfem aku tak muncol. Pastuh die call & putus bile masuk lift. Pastuh si katicks random sms kate jumpe sok, terpakse aku bagitau aku tak muncol sok. Ms hari tu sibok pas sms pasal sok and aku pun explain la citer sepaham mungkin. Esoknyer mereke2 gegas2 mendaftar aku menggulingkan diri dalam selimut, celebrate tak yah pi daftar dengan qada' tidur (sebenarnye sedih depress baru tanam Norman pagi tuh setelah dari petang sampai ke malam die teruk sakit and finally died T_T still nak nanges piki~ sian die... uh... HWAA~!~!!! ;^; *isk...)


Sekarang... Boleh ke aku pasti yang the worst is over? Insyaallah, ye. Tapi aku still kene cari tempat and kalau ade package/bantuan sekali lagi bagus. MARA lagi? Kalau dah takde option. Tah, macam time aku first2 dapat tawaran nih aku rase macam aku telah berjaye deprive mereke yang betul2 bercita-cita and ade drive to be a doctor (kire rase bersalah ah... lagi2 kat member sendiri) Kalau aku tak mintak pinjam... Hopefully the money will go to someone yang betul2 have what it takes and drive to do so... Tempat... Macam peluang paling cerah kat UKM je... OK kot. Nanti PhD baru buat kat overseas. Lawa pe, private pi public pi overseas =D pape pun, tengok je la nanti =3



Pape pun, syukur aku macam tak habis lagi. Hari tu kehendak diri ditentang, hari ni disokong. In a sense aku ade gak la rase bangge, rebel menjadi (haha~) Tapi betul la, kalau bukan sokongan dari yang mereke paham, terutamanya Dia, maybe aku tengah ngutok2 amende yang En tuh bebelkan bersame-same mereke yang bakal fly.

To those yang tak paham kenape aku decide tuk buat camnih, well, aku amik motto PRS skolah akak aku "Help yourself before you help others" this is the way I'm helping myself, by getting into something that I know I can do rather than gamble my future on something I can... ya-ya do. Ingat doktor je ke tolong orang? Tukang sapu sampah tu pun membantu orang pe. Kalau tak mau semak sentiase takde orang sanggup bersihkan kawasan2 awam terutamanya.

To my friends yang solid nekad mau fly, all the best (boys, grow up :P haha~) 3 years together, konfem I'll miss you all. Sorry sangat2 kalau ade yang teroffended dengan ape yang aku cakap, kalau2 aku ade ngumpat2, ngutuk2 korang, macam tak puas ati, bengang dengan korang2 and yang penah kene dengan aku physically, maaf sangat2. Kalau ade berhutang nak tuntut boleh je (jangan nak membongak. den langga ngan doja karang!)

Korang nih...
Best ade...
Tapi kadang2 ntah pape gak...
Kadang2 nak jugak den hompuk pale tuh kat dinding...

:P

Guess this sums it all:

hwaa~ terharu aku~
thank you sape2 punye idea gile


Pape pun...

Insyaallah,

hari korang fly aku akan send off korang

Til then,

Jaa ne!

=)