“Depressed, suicidal”
My hand shot up as soon as us
Apples were given the go to pick whichever mental health illness to act out for the
Bananas to figure out for the last leg of the Mental Health First Aid course. After
discussing how to play out our roles we trotted back into the room and sat next
to whichever Banana that was available and act out as best as we could while
trying to make it as miserable as possible for the Bananas (payback’s a beach!).
After all was said and done, we got our certs, a
person at a time and as names were called, the person left. I was last to received
mine and looking at the clutter on the tables, I thought I might as well make
myself useful and help out. Gemma, our instructor, reiterated how well I played
my role for the second time. She mentioned that after the roleplay was done in
front of everyone. I didn’t say anything before but then I replied, “been
through it.”
On the start we were asked to tell why we joined the
course. In all honesty when I got the email about the course I thought it was a
physical first aid course. While one by one participants were explaining why
were why there, I dug through my brain for a decent excuse. When it was my turn, I said
that I know people suffering depression and would like to know more how to
support them and stuff. It was true that I do know others who'd suffered it but by saying “been through it,” I’ve opened up a can
of worms I’ve kept shut for a long while in my own face.
Whatever it was, how I got there, I don’t blame
anyone anymore. It was the circumstances I was in that accumulated and there I was,
standing and staring into that dark abyss of hopelessness. I can’t elaborate
how I got there… I could try... well in fact I did tried, but it’s very
intricate and probably stemmed further that it is very complicated. And painful.
I’ve spent a good hour crying from remembering the pain alone and with more
details recalled, the more the hurt hurts.
Thank God it was a one-off episode, but it is still a
one-off episode too dreadful. So dreadful that, for the life of me, I can’t fathom
to wish it to anyone. Trust me, nobody who had felt it would want to fake it. Those
that never felt it but is faking it well, shame on you, you heartless ****.
I don’t think of it often nowadays but the effects
of that episode are not something that I could shake off too easily. Do you know that I had
never actually felt happy with my academic results? I may thank God it’s not
that bad but there would always be that “but if this was better…”. So don’t be
surprised when people say my results are good, I’d have my blank-face-“really?”
on. And there is that fear of letting people down. This was why I got so worked
out when you boys were taking a snide at me for coming out last in my challenge
years ago. It was all fun and games to y'all but to me, I've failed my team and let them down so it’s not a joke to me as some of us figured out in the end.
I never really sat down and talked about it with
anyone in depth. It’s not a thing I’d like to even think of. I dare air it now
because from my observation and experience, people still don’t get it that
depression and in fact other mental illnesses are real to the suffers. If a depressed
person can just “snap out of it” they would "snap out of it" in a heartbeat but
that’s just it, they can’t. It takes time and some people do need medication
but most important of all they need support from people around them. Nobody would discount physical
illnesses so why can't it be the same for mental condition? It’s not as if they are
doomed with it, there are ways to manage it.
Overall that 12 hour course was awesome. I’ve learnt
a lot and had the chance of mingling with awesome people. Have to admit, as far
as being engaged in a class, that has to be the top from me. One really important
take home note for myself was, “disapprove of the habit, not the person”. So yeah,
I have to change from hating smokers to just hating that smoking habit of
theirs....
Oh yeah, they have crises centre for mental health
crises
When do you think we’ll have something like that?
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